Nam's One-Liner Jokes

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. — Kevin James
 

I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my cot.
 
My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist… for most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.
 
When my mother makes out her income tax return every year, under occupation she writes in, ‘Eroding my daughter’s self-esteem.’ [...]

David Beckham and Posh Spice have got a new perfume coming out. It’s called ‘Intimately Beckham.’ Apparently, it’s a 
delicate combination of anorexic breath and athlete’s foot. – Craig Ferguson
 
Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don’t like flowers. I’ve been wearing a great new scent. It’s called New Car Interior. — Rita Rudner
 

Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance. – Plato (427?-347? B.C.)
 
Plato was a bore. – Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
 
Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal. – Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)
 
I’m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy. – Ernest Hemingway (1889-1961)
 
Hemingway was a jerk. – Harold Robbins
 
I have a new philosophy. I am only going to dread one day at a time. [...]

A young man decided to join the police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”
 
According to a recent Bureau of Justice survey, night is the most dangerous time for law enforcement officers. Second most dangerous time: day. – [...]