Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It’s kind of like being the guy on a date. — Caroline Rhea

I asked my psychiatrist if she thought I was crazy, she said “no”, so I let her up.

I had to go to analysis. They told me I had an unresolved Oedipus complex. Which, according to them, meant I want to sleep with my mother. Which is preposterous. My father doesn’t even want to sleep with my mother. — Dennis Wolfberg

I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist,” said the employer to the applicant. “Why did you leave?”  ”Well,” she replied, “I just couldn’t win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive.

A judge ruled that Britney Spears’ kids would be better off they go to live with Kevin Federline. The judge made the ruling after a six-month exhaustive search for an option C. — Conan O’Brien

A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, “I don’t really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them.”

An alarm clock is a device for waking people up who don’t have small kids.

As a child my mother would always tell me not to sit so close to the TV, that it was bad for my eyes.  Now, as an adult I spend 8+ hours a day within 2 feet of a computer screen.

Can you remind me where we come from? I am starting to forget. — Overheard…a toddler, age three, talking to his baby brother

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has proposed $5,000 be given to every baby born in the United States. Republicans attacked her plan saying what babies need are jobs, not handouts. —Jay Leno

Disney has opened up its first theme park in China. 10,000 children showed up on opening day – and that was just to 
make the t-shirts. — Conan O-Brien

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

HEADLINES FROM 2035: Baby conceived naturally…. Scientists stumped.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child…  she said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.

I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I’m lying on the couch and can’t reach the remote, I think, ‘Boy, a kid would be nice right now.’ — Kathleen Madigan

I was whipped so often as a kid, until I was eleven-years-old I thought I was a dog team.

Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. — Homer Simpson

My kids never understood my logic. Both of them failed to see why they had to go to bed when I was tired.

My sister was in labor for thirty-six hours. Ow! She got wheeled out of delivery, looked at me, and said, ‘Adopt.’ – Caroline Rhea

Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it. – Mark Twain

Someday I know I will look in a child’s eyes, all full of wonder and opportunity, and say, ‘Don’t shoot! My wallet’s in my left coat pocket!’ — Jennifer Piatak

The child had his mother’s eyes, his mother’s nose and his mother’s mouth. Which left his mother with a pretty blank expression. — Robert Benchley

The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

The only way my wife and I could afford to have kids is if she breast-fed them for eighteen years. — Paul Alexander

We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they’re still getting in!

What do you call kids born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my father, ‘I’m sick and tired of running around in circles.’ He got mad and nailed down my other foot. — Rodney Dangerfield

Women shouldn’t have children after 35. Really…35 children should be enough for anybody.

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

“Armstrong!” the boss bellowed, “I happen to know that the reason you didn’t come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf! What do you have to say for yourself?” “That’s a rotten lie!” Armstrong protested. “And I have the fish to prove it!”

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

Business: Business is tough these days. If you do something wrong you get fined; if you do something right you get taxed.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done…

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees. “Yes, Sir.” the new recruit replied. “Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

Do you want to talk to the boss or the one who knows what’s going on?

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!

He is not afraid of work, you can tell by the way he fights it.

I called a temp agency looking for work and they asked if I had any phone skills. I told them, I called you didn’t I? – Zach Galifianakis

I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. – Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974)

I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy. — Danny McGoorty

I should have studied gynaecology-there’s lots of openings.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

I wanted to be a rubbish collector because I thought they only worked on Thursdays.

I worked as a receptionist for a while, but I couldn’t get the hang of it. I kept answering the phone by saying, ‘Hello, can you help me?’” — Caroline Rhea

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it – I wonder if I remembered to buy my lottery numbers this week?

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a sup-port group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. — Drew Carey

The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog and the dog is there to keep the man from touching the computers.

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The 
personnel office sent this reply…   “Attached is a list of our staff.  We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics.”  

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

The world is full of willing people. Some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. — Robert Frost

There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don’t work here anymore.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

When you take a long time, you’re slow. When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy. When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy. When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

When you please your boss, you’re apple polishing. When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.

Work is the refuge of the people who have nothing better to do

“Work” is for people who don’t know how to fish.

Your brain is that bodily organ which starts working the moment you awake and does not stop until you get into the office.