Nam's One-Liner Jokes

Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we’re not ready, but maybe they’ll change their tune after a little torture. — Jack Handey
 
I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty [...]

How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone? Both look out their windows and see rubble
 
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down. — [...]

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
 
Always borrow money from a pessimist-they don’t expect to be paid back.
 
I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when some-one says something like, ‘Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?’ or ‘Do you [...]

Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think, they shouldn’t have believed me in the first place. — Jack Handy
 
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.  — Mark Twain
 
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
 
I can’t believe she said I was a liar. Sure I make random stuff up, but I’m not [...]

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were “just going down to the corner.” — Jack Handey
 
He grounds the warship he walks on. — John Bracken on Capt. Barney Kelly, who ran the USS Enterprise into the mud of San Francisco Bay in May [...]