He was an angry man, my Uncle Swanny. He had printed on his grave stone: ‘What are you lookin’ at?’ — Margaret Smith

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller

What if you’re in hell, and you’re mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

When you get upset, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to extend your middle finger.

I know I’m getting old because a sexy babe caught my fancy and my pacemaker opened the garage door.

I know I’m getting old because “Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fibre today.

I know I’m getting old because “Getting lucky” means I find my car in the parking lot.

I know I’m getting old because I remember when the Dead Sea was only sick

I know I’m getting old because my friends complimented me on my new alligator shoes and I was barefoot.

I know I’m getting old because my sweetie said, “Lets go upstairs and make love,” and I said, “Honey, I can’t do both!”

I know I’m getting old because the porn video I brought home was “Debby Does Dialysis.”

I told my last girlfriend that I’m like a fine wine; I get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.

I’m getting older and I’m thinking about having my eggs frozen. Well, just the egg whites. I’m trying to cut back on my cholesterol. — Brenda Pontiff

I’m not 40-something. I’m £39.95, plus delivery costs.

It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he’d already been dead for a year. — Tom Lehrer

Life can be grim when you pass 80, especially if there’s a police car behind you. — Sam Ewing

The secret about staying young is a good diet, plenty of exercise and lying about your age.

You know you are getting old when your hangouts used to be the sports bar and the coffee shop. An now it’s the pharmacy and the bathroom.

You know you’re old when they’ve discontinued your blood type. — Phyllis Diller

You’re only young once but you can stay immature forever.